Surrender Isn’t Giving Up — It’s Letting the Demolition Happen

Karen Baldridge
Sep 30
4 min read

The Myth of “Just Surrender”: What I Learned About Thought Loops, My Noble Stallion Dream & Human Design

Let me tell you something I wish I’d figured out years ago: you cannot turn a zebra into a stallion. You just can’t.

Sounds obvious, right? But I spent decades of my life trying. Not literally — my husband is not a zebra (though he’d probably laugh at the analogy). But in my mind, I had written a role for him that he was never designed to play. And every time he didn’t play it, I’d spiral.

That’s where the real loop lived. Not in his behavior, but in my self-gaslighting:

“Why isn’t he changing?”
“Maybe if I try harder, he’ll finally show up this way.”
“Nope, he’s still doing the thing that disappoints me. See? Proof.”

And then I’d reset the cycle. Again. And again.

For thirty years.

The Zebra to Stallion Lesson (aka: My Personal Karma Teacher)

I’ve come to see my husband as my greatest teacher — not because he was perfect, but because he knew exactly how to pull every trigger I had. In Human Design, he’s literally wired for this. He carries a transpersonal profile, which means he wasn’t just here for his own path; he was here to catalyze mine. Call it karma, call it design, call it divine plan — the man showed up with a soul contract to poke every bruise I had until I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

And let’s be honest, sometimes it felt cruel. But it wasn’t cruelty for cruelty’s sake. It was my unhealed self meeting his unhealed self, and the friction between us became the classroom where I finally woke up.

Gaslighting Myself

Here’s the part that really hit me: it wasn’t him gaslighting me as much as me gaslighting myself. I knew exactly who he was — he showed me repeatedly. But I kept insisting reality should be different. And when it wasn’t, I used that as “proof” that I was invisible, unworthy, or not enough.

Talk about exhausting.

When Joe Dispenza Didn’t Work (At First)

I love Joe Dispenza. His teaching about breaking the habit of being yourself has been revolutionary for me. But for years, even that wasn’t enough. Why? Because I was still fighting reality.

Every time my husband did the thing that triggered me — avoidance, financial weirdness, making me feel invisible — I’d recognize the pattern, try to talk myself down, and then end up right back in despair. Why? Because my body still hadn’t gotten the memo.

My nervous system was addicted to the loop.

Enter Human Design

Human Design helped me see this even more clearly. My Sun gate is Gate 6 — the Gate of Friction. Conflict. Intimacy. Resolution. Twice in my chart, actually (thank you, Pluto). Which means my whole life curriculum is about learning to metabolize conflict into intimacy and peace.

No wonder I spent decades in the same loops. No wonder I thought conflict was my assignment. But here’s the key: in the Gene Keys, the highest expression of Gate 6 is Peace. Not endless friction. Not eternal conflict. Peace.

And once I saw that, I realized: the zebra doesn’t need to be a stallion. The lesson is mine.

Redefining Surrender

This is where surrender changes everything. For most of my life, “surrender” was a Christian buzzword. Just give it to God and He’ll fix it. And I did. For years. I cried, I begged, I surrendered. And still, nothing changed.

Because my body was still bracing. My nervous system was still gripping the steering wheel of survival. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That isn’t surrender — that’s white-knuckling with a Jesus bumper sticker.

True surrender came when I finally laid down my arms and stopped fighting reality. When I told my body: We’re safe. We’re provided for. We don’t need to spiral, because this pattern isn’t new.

When I stopped trying to make a zebra into a stallion.

That’s when everything began to shift.

The Money Side Note (For My HD People)

For anyone who loves Human Design: he carries the Gate 45 (the ruler, the one who gathers resources). I carry the Gate 21 (the steward, the one who manages resources). On paper, that’s a power couple dynamic. He makes, I manage.

And yes, no one can stretch a dollar like me. But here’s the kicker: instead of it being celebrated, my frugality became a survival act. I built an identity around “making it work” with less and less, until I finally realized — wait a minute. Survival is not thriving. Applause doesn’t come for scraping by. It comes when you walk in your true frequency of abundance.

That was another loop I had to surrender.

What This Means for You

Maybe your mirror isn’t a spouse. Maybe it’s your boss, your parent, your child, or even your own reflection. The point is: the loop is yours to break.

Surrender doesn’t mean lying down in defeat. It means laying down the need to control reality into what you think it should be — and opening instead to the possibility that God, the Universe, or your higher self has a better plan.

Because here’s what I’ve found: when I stop gaslighting myself, stop demanding zebras be stallions, and stop bracing for impact, life gets easier. Opportunities drop in. My body calms. And I can finally live in the frequency of peace my design was always pulling me toward.

My New Mantra

Every morning now, I picture myself in a protective bubble. I whisper: “Everything I want comes to me. I know kung fu. I walk in love, ease, and abundance.”

It sounds silly, maybe. But it works. Because I’m not fighting reality anymore. I’m finally surrendered — body, mind, and soul.

And that’s the real story. Not about a marriage. Not about money. About surrender.