Hello, Do you See Me Over Here? From Being “An Option” to “The Option”

In continuation of this transformation story, I briefly touched on the initial steps of my watershed moment in life where I found out that life was passing me by and I was just sitting in the stands watching all the other contestants racing by and forgetting that I should/could enter myself in the race of life. Well, after all of the initial drama took off and I started to figure out what and how I could/should change myself in order to change my life, I looked at the obvious stuff first and began to tackle those things. It did, however, become time to take a look at my relationships….the first step (but not the only) was my relationship with my spouse.

The Relationships – Marriage is complex and complicated as you know. It starts with energy and excitement and passion etc. then begins to settle into a rhythm and pattern in order to calibrate itself to the vicissitudes of life. Many of us enter into marriage fancying ourselves to be the Princess who has finally found her Prince that treasure’s her and is interested and curious about her life. This is definitely something that is very prominent in the onset of marriage but when your joint life begins to go into motion with careers then eventually family, the marriage dynamics are forced to change. They can still be very functional yet loving and fulfilling OR they can take other divergent paths onto a little bit of a bumpier road; not necessarily a treacherous winding path on the edge of a mountain or anything but a path they has a little more woods and underbrush than the main trail. I would say that was probably more of my experience.

Now, before I explain my approach and changes I made at that time…little did I realize those changes were just the tip of the iceberg as I did not even have half of the understanding of myself and my abilities and possibilities that I do now…but I will cover those HUGE revelations later! I digress….At any rate, one thing I did know in setting out to make changes in my marriage was that I was not filled, I was not settled and content, I was not feeling appreciated, I was not feeling validated and I was not feeling respected. I couldn’t necessarily put my finger on it at that particular time but there was this King and servant dynamic I was feeling that he vehemently denied propagating, but I could not shake that feeling of being treated somehow like I was “less than”. Again, there were not direct outrageous acts on his part but I would call it more omissions…invalidation, unavailable, neglect, lack of interest or curiosity in me or my life in general. There was even a particular horrifying conversation in which he inferred, much to my shock and devastation, that I might be…….BORING!!….What???? ME? BORING??? You cannot begin to understand the twilight zone type of reaction I was having inside when he made that inference….WOW…just WOW. Anyone who knows me would not only in my observation of my own life, but complete laughter and corroboration from my friends and family, would say that is the last, very last adjective they would ever pin on me! That completely rocked my entire sense of being, identity and nearly crushed my soul! (I hope he never reads this blog because he would be so mad at me for mentioning that minor event) (in his mind), it became a volcano and endless fuel for change for me though. I’m an extrovert and very demonstrative and some might say a very trendy type dresser and fashion forward. The last things I could imagine him seeing me as was boring…I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it!

So I will talk more about this in tips and tricks to finding an appreciation of yourself and finding your inner bossgirl, but at that time…I wasn’t there yet. I made the changes that I knew to make given the information I had at that time. I became quiet, busy, mysterious and most importantly…………UNAVAILABLE!!! That was the key. I only engaged on my terms and when I needed something. I became the boss of my own time and my own life. I always deferred to everyone else’s needs wants preferences schedules hobbies activities etc and I thought I was being easy going, low maintenance etc…which in my mind translated to a good thing…but I’m here to tell you now….good girls always finish last & the squeaky wheel always gets the oil!:) It was absolutely not the right things to do or be. Marriage is a partnership and I was being more of a silent partner so that’s the type of treatment I was attracting to myself from everyone else, including him. I of course didn’t realize that at the time but I know now that’s what was happening….not good! I began to be purposefully opinionated on where we ate

for dinner, what hotels we stay at on vacation, how we spend our money, spending waaaaay more money on myself than I ever did and NOT APOLOGIZING FOR IT!

That was just the beginning…..there’s way more to that marriage makeover and it’s still a work in progress but my part of it has been ever growing and changing even to this day….I embrace that I deserve respect, attention validation compliments and all the other stuff that I just didn’t demand in the past!!

NEW DAYS ARE A COMING!….STAY TUNED. Eventually I will discover my past and how it mattered to my future! And I will eventually meet my best teacher of all that changed my life trajectory for good…..it’s amazing…..